I tried like mad to find the quote that I am thinking of, but there are too many combinations and weird websites on google and I cannot do it. I read once where someone said that some people get comfortable in depression and wear it like their favorite tshirt. This is not untrue. What is terrifying about grad school for me is the starting. I can't seem to start a project, because what if once I start, I can't seem to finish? Every time I do start, I figure out the project fits me better than I imagined and it is not pulling teeth, but more like the first hill of a roller coaster. You know, with all of the fear and none of the exhileration. Maybe a little of the screaming.
But I'm not confident in my abilities. I have a couple acquaintances that I hesitate to categorize as friends quite yet, and the work is tough indeed. Couple these feelings with the feeling that though I have a job that I enjoy, it is not nearly enough. I should have a job in which I am gaining experience in my field, but I cannot seem to let go of my joe-job and lose that backup. The people there like me and I like them. They appreciate me. They will take care of me. I will not burn that bridge. I also don't want to be new again somewhere else so soon. I feel as if I had received an assistantship, life would be better and I could be more confident in my place here. Alack and alas. If ifs and buts were candies and nuts, we'd all have a merry Christmas.
Regardless. With deadlines being pushed back left and right, this semester may end okay after all. Mind-numbingly terrifying, but okay. I am glad I have a degree in psych. My mind would have shut down by now without the spectacular coping methods and theories I learned about without necessarily putting them into practice. Sometimes depression isn't a clinical issue. Sometimes it's just good reality contact. That should rest no one assured. And yet, it makes me feel okay about disliking life so fervently right now.
You see why I don't write blogs? They're depressing. I turn into a 15 year old emo kid when I have somewhere to type and store it. It's ridiculous.

Foxtrot Uniform Charlie Kilo

This fascinates me. Not only because it involves Joss Whedon and his new show, Dollhouse, but because I love linguistics and the evolution of words. I did not know that 'roger' came from 'received', or that 'charlie' came from 'Viet-Cong'. Stuff like that sets my head spinning. I should have been a linguistics major. I probably still would have ended up here, but I was miraculously good at that stuff.
I should have done more of the trying to get ahead academically than I did. I should have gotten internships and studied abroad and got experience in my field instead of shaking my ass in lingerie on tables every October. More school, less that ^^

Boom de yada

So it turns out I am not any better at posting in this blog than in any of my others. Even if it's for a grade. Then again, I also procrastinate on the things I get grades on, so it's no surprise that I have not all of a sudden grown into a grown-up in the last 6 months.
I am not sure if I do not like this program or if I do not like the midterms for my first semester of grad school. It's also possible that I do not like grad school. I have one degree. Do I seriously need another? But I'm comforting myself with my Myers-Briggs result saying that I can do this. That I will enjoy the eventual career, that I will not be doing this forever. But you know what I also enjoy? Working at Kroger. Not telling my classmates that I have a grocery job instead of a library position to gain experience. That part is kind of awkward. But I enjoy it. And I wish money did not matter as much and that I could do the minimum wage thing for the rest of my life and that it could work that way. But I am attempting to comfort myself right now because that is the difference between the mentally ill and those with personality disorders and those of us that are capable of dealing: we learned how to comfort ourselves and remember the good in times of bad. So eventually I'll have a career I enjoy. Eventually. When grad school is done depressing me and ruining my relationship with my four-hour away boyfriend and making me fat because life is hard and good food is expensive.
I would just like to write criticism of pop culture television and classical literature. I want to be published numerous, numerous times. I would like to have my free time free. I want to be a Buffy the Vampire Slayer expert. That's all.
So yeah, library school. I love the whole world. I just need to keep reminding myself.