I googled him.

So I suppose it's time to bring this back out of hiding. And vastly revamp it. Any librarians left over? This is going to have virtually nothing to do with librarian-ing. And will probably receive an R rating. Be warned. This started as a blog for class to explore this crazy 'internet' thing and get us familiar with blogging. I've been blogging since I was 14, professor who moved to fucking Holland in the middle of the semester. I learned HTML around the same time so that I could make my angsty poetry all centered and in awesome fonts and colors, because there was none of this button shit to change all of that when I started. Regardless. I did well in the stupid class and stand by most of the stuff that wasn't ass-kissing. I am a world record ass-kisser.
I don't know if it's the fact that I haven't been drinking caffeine regularly and had a frozen mocha today (I asked for ice, asshole), but I'm jittering and my heart's pounding. Or maybe it's the pictures from the past 7 years I got developed from crappy disposable cameras. It could be that I remembered someone who has pretty much removed themselves from my ability to speak with them. I mean, not because of me, but just because he left facebook and I never had an email address or phone number. And he makes my heart pound.
I mean, it's just a thought. Clearly. A heart-pounding thought. Back when I was single, or more correctly, just not dating Jon, he and I very rarely saw each other but when we did, I turned into an idiot. Single-minded, probably hurtful, deceitful and god, the nicotine poisoning on more than one occasion, just so I could go outside with him. He kissed me with his girlfriend in another room, and my girlfriend in another county. More than once. He told me I was sexy, gorgeous, that I sucked all the air from the room. He rolled the most beautiful spliff I've ever seen and proceeded to get very sick because he was on Percoset (for an actual injury, not for fun) at the time. And I still wanted him. Which is saying a lot, as he is not Jon, and anyone who is not Jon stands no chance. In fact, he was the only not Jon guy that I had any interest in whatsoever.
Ya know, I truly believe that if he and I had actually hooked up, I would have no feelings whatsoever toward him. The sex could have been disappointing, lackluster or, knowing me, awkward as hell and I could have gotten the hell over it. But there was no sex, and he briefly dated Emily, and it all ended. And so, it pounds. Do not get me wrong. I never loved him. He just makes me want to take off my clothes. I caught myself blushing thinking about it earlier. I am not that girl. And I'm in love with Jon. And have been for years. Jon still makes me feel that way pretty often, considering I don't get to see him nearly as much as I want. And I've been tappin' that for 6 years.
I think I just need to get laid. Clearly, by that boy I have loved for years. Two more weeks, and I get to see him. And not leave my bed for four days. For now, if I can lower my bloodpressure enough to sleep, that's what I'll do.